I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
