it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
