u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I want a musical about memes.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
