mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
