Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
