I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
