If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
