I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
