i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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