dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm both gender and math confused
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
