I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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