If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
