just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
