last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
