On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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