proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
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