Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
