I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
