I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
