I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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