woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
