Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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