He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
