if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
