Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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