I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
