So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
