I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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