He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
