Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
