My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
