You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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