Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
