Your dad touched me again.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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