I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
