I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
