I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
