I wish I could teleport
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My penis needs a shock collar