Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.