did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
