I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
