I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
