Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
