she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
