I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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