There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
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Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
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I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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