your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
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he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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