Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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