apparently the secret to your success is patron
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
