There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
