The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
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He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
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Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.