you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Duck Duck Cougar?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Michael Bay diarrhea
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
