im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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