$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
