I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
