Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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