So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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